My Excellent Earth Day Initiative

The year was, oh I don't know, 1989, 1990? It was a time when the eco-politico axis was just beginning to flex it's still-tender muscles by demanding that we separate out our trash for recycling, at great cost and by diverting massive resources of talent and energy from the productive economy to output limp grey cardboard and hideous "polar fleece" outerwear--a practice that I'm still convinced is all a charade, that most of that paper, aluminum and plastic gets dumped in the same landfills and deep ocean canyons as the rest of the garbage--a time when, in rebellion against what I perceived as the first hint of a dull tyranny to come, I had a brilliant idea during a packaging design meeting.


Like so many brilliant ideas, it was ahead of it's time and so was not well received. In fact it was met with blank stares and silence until someone brusquely changed the subject and the meeting went off on another tangent, while my ill-advised suggestion lingered briefly in the air about the table like an awkward, malodorous emanation that everyone tried desperately to ignore.

Still, undaunted by this rejection, I nevertheless pursued the idea in my spare time, eventually producing a sheath of concept drawings and research. Sadly, none of this work panned out--the technology just wasn't there yet, and I'm unable to find any of the myriad drawings to illustrate my breakthrough, so words will have to suffice. For, you see, I believe that the time is finally ripe for me to exploit this idea and reap the harvest of vast riches and fame that to me is due.

In a word, my brilliant idea was LITTER.

Yes, Instead of forcing the populace to go through the absurd Kabuki dance of triage, why not use the innate human propensity to be self-centered, obnoxious, uncivil jerks to the advantage of the environment? What if instead of wasting everyone's time, we let nature do the work, as it always has? No ugly recycling centers on the outskirts of town. Just make it OK for people to litter. Let me explain:

Say you've cut down a forest to create the cardboard packaging that I now have to breakdown and put out every other Wednesday in it's own special bin. What if tomorrow's packaging was made from a special mixture of pressed compost, organic fertilizer (ideally pre-deodorized), and tree seeds, printed with environmentally friendly organic inks? You could throw the damn thing out the window and it would quickly biodegrade, leaving in it's place only a sapling. Within only a few years, stately elms would be lining the country's avenues, copses of birch and larch would grow in the medians of the nation's highways and inner city youth would be picking fresh peaches and apples and selling cobbler in their ghettos instead of dealing crack.

You could even target crops to specific regions:  Maple seed packaging to New England, Pine and Cedar packaging in the northern States, Citrus in Florida, Hemp in Colorado and Oregon...the variations are almost endless.

And why stop with trees? If I could grow "Sea Monkeys" from powder as a kid, why not develop a Delta Smelt egg pack specifically for Northern California markets? Salmon and trout egg packaging in the Pacific Northwest, Idaho and Montana. Just throw your detritus in the lakes and rivers, where it belongs, anyway.

I'm telling you, this is going to make me richy, rich, rich. Richer than the 1% for sure. We're talking 1% of the 1% here, and for a limited time only, you can get in on the ground floor. Early investors are encouraged to hit the PayPal link and transfer a sizable sum into my account for pre-development  impact studies and testing. You will receive a small complementary packet of seeds, in the species of your choice, as a special Thank You.

You know you want to