Happy Whatever of Whatever

I'll do this now since I don't want to be bothered tomorrow:

• Get off the internet and go talk to some real people. 
• Go ride a bicycle without a helmet. 
• Go ride a motorcycle without a helmet. 
• Smoke a couple cigarettes with your London Collins, or Glenlimlet, or whatever pathetic mashup you drink instead of boxed rosé. 
• Cook some meat, fatty meat rubbed in salt, over an open fire. If you're in a hurry, use thermite. 
• Burn some leaves while you're at it. 
• Have a dozen donuts. Glazed, made with transfats and red dye n° 2.
• Do a dozen donuts on the front lawn with a Confederate flag tied to the CB antenna. 
• Shoot off some big fat fireworks then shoot 'em down with a drum fed Mossberg.

If you're fat, be fat and proud. If you're dumb, be dumb and proud. If you're obnoxious, well, I'm not gonna keep repeating myself for a bunch of fat, dumb and obnoxious Murkins. But, just for this one day, remember what it was like to be free. Or if you were born after 1988, ask your grandparents.